


In Maraas-Lok Veritas

by TheLadyOrTheTiger



Series: Awkward dorks in love [12]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Drunken Shenanigans, Established Relationship, F/M, Humor, Puns & Word Play, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-11 20:07:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5640292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLadyOrTheTiger/pseuds/TheLadyOrTheTiger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a night of drinking with Bull and the Chargers, Trevelyan can’t find her way to her chambers. When Cullen tries to help her, she proceeds to hit on him using some truly terrible puns.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Maraas-Lok Veritas

The ground was spinning a bit, tilting from side to side, as if Alissa was on a ship during a storm. She needed to sit, but there were no benches or chairs. She couldn't very well sit on the ground - she was still sober enough to know that it would be terribly undignified. Definitely not something a leader of a powerful organization should do.

Stumbling ever so slightly over her own feet, which, for some nefarious purpose, were trying to trip her up, Trevelyan managed to get to the stairs. Maybe sitting on them wouldn't be so bad? They weren't the ground, after all. Yes. Sitting on the stairs was definitely something a person trying to save the world could do, and still look refined.

Once she was seated, she felt much more steady. This was good, comfortable even. Maybe the stones were a bit cold, but the stars were bright above her, the air smelled fresh, and Alissa was contented. Or rather giddy. She giggled remembering a joke Bull made. Why did she leave him and the Chargers in the tavern? They were having so much fun!

There was a word knocking around in her mind. Responsibility? Oh, yes. She was a very responsible person. The next day was chock full of meetings and strategic planning, so she had to get some sleep. And to get some sleep she had to find her way to her quarters. There were a lot of stairs between her and that place.

The Inquisitor tried to stand up, but her legs seemed unwilling to cooperate. With a great sigh, she decided to give herself a few more moments to gather her strength.

Maybe she could walk on all fours? Then she wouldn't have to get very far up. But that would not be dignified. Trevelyan imagined Vivienne watching her like this and laughed out loud.

"Alissa? Is that you?"

Even in her drunken stupor she recognized the voice instantly, and it send a shiver down her spine.

"Cullen!" she shouted joyously to him. "Where are you?"

"Right here."

Alissa turned her head toward the sound. He was standing right next to her. She probably should have wondered how he managed to get so close to her, without her having noticed, but somehow she couldn't bring herself to care. She grinned at him and waved. Oh, he was handsome, this Commander of hers. So, so very handsome. All tall and blond and broad-shouldered and muscular. Suddenly she wanted to get to her room for something different than sleep.

"What are you doing on the stairs?" he asked, standing over her.

"Admiring the stars?" she answered uncertainly. "No, that won't do. I’m not going to lie to you." She shook her head vehemently. "Come a little closer and I'll tell you." Cullen obliged, crouching next to her. "I'm just a bit... ine... inbe... ibneb..." She was certain she knew that word! What was it? "Drunk," she finished, giving up on big words. "I'm waiting for the stairs to get less steep or for my legs to turn back from jelly to bone. Whichever comes first."

"You've been drinking with Bull, haven't you?" Cullen's voice was studiously calm, as if he was trying to hide his displeasure.

"Oh, don't be mad at him! He wanted me to have a good time, to loosen up a bit. And I did! He's a good friend," she rushed to defend the mercenary. "And don't be mad at me either. I deserve a break, don't I?"

Alissa pouted at him, hoping she looked innocent and adorable.

"I'm not mad at either of you. Much. You do deserve to relax, but all in moderation." Cullen sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose."If I were to be mad at someone it would be Bull, for not walking you to your quarters. He knows you're a lightweight and his spirits could knock down a warhorse."

"But then a dashing Commander wouldn't get the honor of escorting me to my bed, and that would be a tragedy!"

Trevelyan batted her eyelashes. Everything was going so wonderfully!

"A tragedy indeed," Cullen muttered, getting up.

"Don't be sour.The night is still young and there is more fun to be had."

He took her hands and gently pulled her up. Her feet unsteady, Alissa stumbled, her hands going to his chest to steady herself.

"Fun, hmm?" Cullen asked stiffly.

"Yes, fun." She run her hands up his chest to his neck and shamelessly pressed her body to his. "You're so tense, Commander. You need to get Orlaid." The Inquisitor giggled at her own joke.

"I don't think that's happening tonight," he told her sternly. "Let's go."

Without much resistance from her, Cullen disentangled them and put one arm around her waist.

"Why wouldn't it be happening tonight? Don't you want to explore my Forbidden Oasis?"

"I think I've explored your Forbidden Oasis quite thoroughly. I'm very familiar with it." He shook his head. "Maker's breath, what am I saying? This is ridiculous. Up we go."

They took one step and another and then another, and Alissa wobbled precariously.

"You didn't answer my question!" she accused. "Don't you want to Storm my Coast?"

More slowly this time, they took a few more stairs.

"Storm your...? You're drunk, Alissa - we just have to get you to bed."

"Uuu, I like the sound of that! And when we get there you'll bury your sword in my sheath."

Cullen groaned.

"When we get there I'll leave you so you can sleep it off."

"That's all?! Wouldn't you like to tal my vashoth?" she suggested.

"That's... You've been spending too much time around Bull."

"I've been spending just the right amount of time with him, thank you very much."

To emphasize her point Trevelyan vigorously nodded her head, which made her stumble a bit. Cullen reflexively tightened his hold on her.

"Mmm, I like that," she purred.

"This is getting us nowhere," Cullen sighed. "With your permission I'll just carry you up. At this time of night I don't think anyone will see us."

"You're so thoughtful! Of course you have my permission. You also have my permission to Emprise my loins."

There might have been a choked sound coming from Cullen, but she couldn't be quite sure.

"Alissa, _please_." He lifted her up in his arms and started moving.

"Please what?" she question, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Please let you close my fade rift with your anchor?" Trevelyan waggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"This might have been the worst one yet." Cullen sighed.

"The worst what yet? Don't change the subject! Do you or do you not want to calibrate my trebuchets?"

"This doesn't even make sense! What would the trebuchets even... Never mind."

The Inquisitor was momentarily distracted by the change in temperature.

"We're already in the main hall! You're so quick." She giggled. "Quick at walking. Not anything else!"

"Not quick enough."

Alissa felt him speed up, and her insides protested.

"Too quick... Dizzy," she mumbled.

"Maker preserve me," he grunted and slowed down. "Better?"

"Yes, this is perfect." She smiled at him radiantly. "So about me Cresting your Wood..."

"Andraste's flaming knickers! Let's play a game. You like games, don't you?" Alissa nodded happily. "Let's play the quiet game. We won't talk. Or make any other noises."

"I thought you liked when I made noises?"

"Maker help me, I do, but right now, let's just not speak."

"Fiiine. I'll be quiet, but only after you tell me that you're going to Exalt my Plains once we're in my room."

"Just a few more stairs and it's done, just a moment..." he muttered in response, opening the doors leading to her quarters.

"C'mon. I need you, Cullen. Tell me you're going to Free my Marches." Alissa nuzzled his throat, her fingers tangling in his hair. "Pleeease..." she whined.

"Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'm going to do whatever you want."

"But I want you tonight!"

She was so confused! Cullen never refused her. Why would he do that now?

"Tonight you are drunk and I'm putting you to bed."

With that, he set her on her feet gently, and lifted the cover off her bed.

"What difference does it make? Drunk or not I want you to Maraas my Lok."

"We're back to Qunari, now? No more geographical puns?" He guided her to seat on the edge of the bed. "No. Wait. Stop. That was not a challenge!" He sounded almost panicked.

"Too late!" Alissa shrieked joyously. "You can Fallow my Mire."

"That, _that,_ was the worst one. By far."

Trevelyan just fell back, laughing.

"You need to help me undress," she informed him, already fumbling with the clasps of her jacket.

"No, I don't. We'll just get this off." He pulled quickly at one boot, then the other. "And done. Sleeping in these clothes won't be too uncomfortable."

"But it will! Help me get naked."

Without a word, Cullen grabbed her under the knees and turned her over on the bed, so that she was laying on it lengthwise, and placed the cover over her.

"Commander Cullen, report for booty." She was going for a stern Inquisitor voice, but it just came out sleepy. The pillows were so soft and the bed was comfortable and nothing was spinning. What was it that she wanted?

The last thing Alissa was conscious of were Cullen's lips on her forehead and his quiet voice telling her "Sleep well, my love."

* * *

 

The sun was far too bright and everything was making noises and was that a smith hammering away inside of her skull?

The morning was not kind to the Inquisitor. First she was attacked by the various pains and discomforts in her body, and then her mind joined in. She remembered everything. Every word, every gesture, _every pun_.

Alissa pulled the covers over her head. Maybe she could just stay there for the rest of her life?

The sound of the doors opening downstairs made her realize that it was not an option.

"Breakfast, my lady," her servant announced.

"Just put it on the desk. And get me something for my headache, pleas," Trevelyan mumbled from under the cover.

"Commander Cullen already instructed me to bring you a special potion, my lady. And there will be a bath ready after you've eaten."

Alissa pressed her hands to her eyes, wanting fervently to become invisible, and made a vague sound of distress. Why did he have to be so perfect?

"What was that, my lady?"

"Nothing. Thank you, Gertrude, you can go."

"As you wish, my lady."

With a sense of dread, Alissa counted to ten after hearing the doors close behind her servant, and got up. The pain in her temples was bad, but not excruciating. Possibly because she vomited during the night. That poor plant next to her bed was going to die. Vomit and Qunari alcohol probably made for terrible fertilizer.

After downing the potion in one gulp and rushing through her breakfast, Trevelyan waited patiently for the bath, trying not to think too much about what was going to happen after that.

Being clean and put together made the Inquisitor feel slightly better, but she still wasn't excited for the war table meeting. How was she going to look Cullen in the eye after all those embarrassing things she's said? She cringed just thinking about it. The previous night she acted like a ridiculous, immature idiot. He was never going to look at her the same way again.

When she got to the war room, her advisers were already waiting. Cullen greeted her like any other day and launched into his report.

If he could be professional, then so could she. Alissa pushed all of her mortifying memories to the back of her mind and listened attentively.

The meeting was shorter than she anticipated, and when it was over, Trevelyan rushed to the doors. She had some time before her weekly debriefing with the quartermaster and she wanted to spend it nursing her wounded pride in the privacy of her room.

Just as she was walking into the main hall, Cullen caught up to her.

"How are you feeling?" he asked tentatively.

"Ashamed. Extremely ashamed," she told him, not looking him in the face.

"It wasn't all that bad," he tried to reassure her, his tone light.

"Oh, but it was. I remember. Close my fade rift with your anchor?! I equated my lady parts to a green hole spewing demons!" she whispered furiously, conscious of the fact that there were people nearby. A new wave of embarrassment hit her as she repeated those horrid words.

"That one wasn't a winner," Culled admitted, chuckling, and guided her down the hall.

"I was going to go to my quarters," she protested feebly, wanting to end this conversation so that they could both start forgetting the previous night ever happened.

"I don't want there to be any awkwardness between us. Walk with me to my office, let's talk," Cullen pleaded, his hand gently touching her arm.

“No awkwardness? Have you met me? Have you met us?” Trevelyan asked incredulously.

“You know what I mean.” Cullen chuckled. “I don’t want there to be any additional awkwardness.”

"Alright then, I’ll go with you," Alissa agreed with a huff, not really able to deny him anything he asked of her.

"The one about the Forbidden Oasis was rather good, I thought," her Commander observed.

"Don't humor me." Trevelyan really didn't want him to lie to try and make her feel like less of a moron.

"No, I liked it," he insisted. The Inquisitor couldn't detect any trace of mocking in his tone.

"What about the Fallow Mire one, which makes my private area sound like a bog filled with the undead?" she questioned, sarcasm dripping from her words.

"That one was by far the worst." Cullen laughed. Trevelyan made a face. "But the Empris your loins was clever. Storming your Coast is also not bad. And the one about the sword and sheath is a classic."

"You really are too nice to me," Alissa told Cullen once they were outside. It was so easy to love a man who wouldn't laugh at her after such a debacle, but was instead sweet and supportive.

"Do you think I haven't ever said stupid things while drunk?" He quirked a brow at her.

He held the doors to his tower open for her.

"I'm guessing you've never suggested that someone calibrated your trebuchets," the Inquisitor grumbled. "How would that even work? What would the trebuchets even be? My breasts? Since they're plural?" she mused.

"Actually, I've already given it some thought and I think they would be your legs. You know, I could move them around to get the right angle," Cullen explained with a grin.

She couldn't help it - Alissa burst out laughing, her shame forgotten.

"What did I do to deserve you?" she asked, wiping tears from the corners of her eyes.

"I could ask the same of you," Cullen told her earnestly.

"Did my terrible puns charm you?"

"You always charm me."

The look in his eyes - love and fondness and just a hint of vulnerability, made her heart clench within her chest.

"Oh, stop it." Trevelyan could feel a blush coming on.

His smile turned mischievous.

"I've made you a promise last night and I intend to keep it. If you have the time."

A promise? Oh, he told her that he was going to do anything she wanted. Yes. There was definitely a blush on her face now.

"I always have time for that."

The Inquisitor kissed her Commander lightly on the lips and moved away quickly before she could get distracted.

"I'm off to speak with the quartermaster. I'll see you this evening."

"I'll be reporting for booty," he informed her with a straight face.

All the way to the quartermaster Alissa was laughing.

**Author's Note:**

> This story came into existence because one night I've had a bit too much wine and those Inquisition puns started coming to me. I wrote them down before I went to bed, and when I woke up and saw them, I knew that I had to somehow write a story around them.  
> The excellent Empris du Lion one is courtesy of miss-shaley. And now that I gave her credit she won't sue me. I think. Can't trust lawyers, even if they're your best friend.
> 
> Comments and kudos always appreciated. [my tumblr. never saw a pun I didn't reblog](%E2%80%9Dthe-lady-or-the-tiger.tumblr.com/%E2%80%9D)


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